Deciding to separate or getting divorced is not easy. It is very costly, both socially and financially. It is especially hard to stay in a marriage when the love is gone from it, when there are still bonds tied to the relationship with children. Young children who need the stable household to thrive. What is the price of that stability, and who really pays it?
It is now more than two years that I feel checked out of a marriage. Emotionally distant, and physically unattached, I have mostly passive-aggressive roommate with whom I have two young children. The loss of trust, precipitated with gradual shutting of shared accounts, closing away passwords with finger print locks and two-factor authentication.
When he gave me his passwords, my idle curiosity fell on things that he did not tell me about. A seed of mistrust was planted in him that I would search through his emails, and isolate what was found, taking it out of context. But the truth is that he convinced me of the context, and we moved on forward, although the incident remained in my mind, as maybe something I should have investigated more, not taken his word for it. But I was so eager to believe in it. At 23, I thought the one year of courting was a sunken investment, too precious to discard. I wish I could go back and tell her, that life is so long, and it is better to call out even a pink flag than wait for the bright red ones to show up.
His family are toxic and send messages that break down his tolerance for backbiting gossip and mudslinging. I did not approve of some of these communications even though I was not a subject of me. I felt he was enabling the avoidance cowardly attitude. Instead of shutting down that nonsense and encouraging healthy problem solving, he just passively allowed himself to be a bouncing board for cultivating self pity and victim mentality. My objections caused him to further retreat access to his communication, one app at a time. When I objected to purchases he made on the shopping carts, that was another app he removed my access on. Final straw was splitting up the bank accounts, and transfering money to pay the bills, rather than goig through all our transactions together like we had for years.
Things that have no place in a real relationship. If someone is unable to trust these aspects with a partner, then they have no business whatsoever staying married. I have also been an all or nothing. There is no second face to my personality, detrimentally or otherwise, what you see is what you get. I don't backbite, gossip, plot, scheme behind people's backs while presenting a smiling face.
This attitude has always got me in more trouble than not. The ability to be duplicitious is a survival mechanism, a cowards way to avoid conflict, with no honor. I have never backed from a right fight, or cheated myself into a wrong one. I am not above apologizing and taking responsibility for bad behavior. But this blunt and very often tactless honesty people find very unappealing.
For me, to live with anyone who does not mirror these standards feels jarring. And that is why my marriage is failing. A sorry is irreplaceable with anything else. Anything besides a sorry is a surplus of making up, but does not explicitly substitute actually honestly taking responsibility and bringing the gap towards healing.
Now at an impass, I don't know where to turn next. The habits that are carved into the family are not so easy to change. I am painfully aware of my own red flags. Maybe I should make a list of it. So here goes
- Easily distracted, constantly seeking a rush of excitement from new-ness
- Tactlessly blunt
- Inability to gracefully accept presents or compliments or help.
- Dysregulation emotional control
- Wave of guilt when the rage passes over
- Hard to forgive and keep moving forward. Unwillingness to forgive when gestures try to replace straightforward repentance or apology
- Overthinking
- No half measures in love or trust.
I do not like being with this guy. He was not the most attractive looking guy. Even back then. I really thought he has a moral fiber to counter the physical features. Slowly over time, I came to understand that the inner beauty or inner goodness in him was less than the outer beauty. What a wound.
His appreciation for his own self survival at any cost, the cat-on-wall attitude to conflict resolution, or strengthening relationship. Even with the children, the amount of time or engagement he does with them, feels mediocre at best. There is nothing I can see that makes him stand out as a quality man. He does no reading, sports, social gatherings, self improvement.
All those years ago, I thought, here is a guy, whose interests partially intersect my own. Between my interests and his, we will find so many interesting things to do for the rest of our lives. We did some, but mostly we lived on his terms. Looking back, I dont feel liberated, I feel diminished, undignified. Marriage to him is turning me into those people who do nothing but take macabre joy at other's suffering.
I am beginning to see the insecurity, uncreativity, laziness, and rough speak in my children which mirror him, and it alarms me. I want to see the ways that life is meant to be lived, with joy, bravery and creativity. And I don't know whether staying in a stagnant marriage that seems to make me toxin is helping my children fulfil their potential and reach for more.
Am I talking too much, thinking too much, analyzing too much?
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